The Legend of the Flashpacker: Part 3 (You Call Yourself a Backpacker?)

BASED ON A TRUE STORY


Have you ever felt scammed after paying a humongous part of your savings for something you have always wanted to buy?

This is how you exactly feel now.

"You like to buy necklace or bracelet?," the 40-something female shop attendant asks you, while you grumpily wait and sit at the corner of the jewelry store your tour guide earlier described as an "antique jewelry museum".

You nod your head sideways and try to say NO but she has walked away towards a husband-and-wife team who happily agrees to check out some of the bling blings, the price of which is about twice or three times more than what you paid for this travel package.

You glance at your Mao Tse Tung watch, which you got for about $6 last night on Temple Street's night market. Your jaw drops. Your first HK purchase has stopped working. You need not check where the watch is manufactured. You know you are just about a 45-minute train ride away from Mainland China.

At last, you hear your tour guides, whose English names are Fiona and Apple, shouting "Ten more minutes!", with a thick Cantonese accent.

You close your eyes and wish that you'd be out of here by the time you open them. You take a deep breath. Disappointed, you grab your red backpack slouched on the floor.

Fiona comes up to you, "Everything okay?"

You only reply with a smile. Hastily, you walk towards the red exit door which looked like the gateway to heaven at this time.

Outside, the pack of cigarettes you just bought at 7-11 this morning falls to the pavement, as you reach into the backpack pocket looking for the Chinese lighter you bought too at Temple.

Apple from afar, with a folder in one hand and a HAPPY TOURIST TRAVEL banner in the other, waves at you. "Hurry hurry smoking!"

 Yeah, whatever.

You roll your eyes and turn around, only to see your tour bus almost three-quarters full. Retired teachers, honeymooners, recent college graduates. All busy with comparing their latest finds. Which are all way overpriced. And which are all available back home anyway.

A crowd with a big banner that spells  BITTERNESS walks past you.

You shake your head. You couldn't afford to hallucinate and faint in the middle of the tour.

Behind the glass window, a young lady who is already inside your HAPPY TOURIST TRAVEL tour bus signals you to hurry and points to Fiona and Apple, who are both impatiently waiting for you, with both hands on their waist.

You take a deep breath, for the nth time during this tour. You had to force yourself to even walk towards the bus.

You hear side comments in Cantonese from Fiona. Or it could be Apple. You ignore the gibberish, walk past your pretentious tour guides, and settle in the seat beside the lady who earlier called your attention.

She extends her hand to you, "Hi, I'm Phoebe!"

One, two, three seconds.

Okay, although you are already getting totally pissed at this tour, you try, "Hey."

The engine starts. The air-conditioner blasts again. Fiona and Apple are again talking to the rest of the tour group on their wireless microphones, trying to win everyone's hearts with their obviously scripted antics, to probably get a hefty tip by the time today's tour finishes, after which they'd go back to their own private lives somewhere in the twenty-story apartments in Sheung Wan.

Flipping through the pages of her Lonely Planet Hong Kong, your new friend Phoebe asks you, "First time in Hong Kong?"

Your friendly neighborhood tour guide Apple asks the group if we are hungry.

"Yeah. Bummer, right?"

She chuckles while highlighting something in her travel guide with a pink Stabilo marker, "So why did you even join the tour? I mean, this tour?"

Trying to sound smart, you immediately blurt out, "I'm just starting to backpack. You know, I'm a backpacker."

She laughs hysterically.

Everyone looks at the two of you. Embarrassed, both you and Phoebe look at Fiona and Apple, while trying to say sorry.

"What the... What's so funny about backpacking?", you ask Phoebe, while trying to suppress the sarcasm.

"So you claim to be a backpacker?". Phoebe closes her book.

"Uh, why are you asking?", you respond while scanning your printed tour itinerary, with the logo HAPPY TOURIST TRAVEL on top of the page.

You sense that this girl knows something about traveling. Why is she being nosy, just because you proudly claim to be a backpacker.

Phoebe looks out the window, "Buildings, buildings, and more buildings."

You ask Phoebe again, "Why are you interested in my being a backpacker ANYWAY?"

"Oh come on, are you kidding me?", she laughs again, "You are so not a backpacker. One, you had a big yellow suitcase yesterday."

"So... What's wrong with yellow?"

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong with yellow.  It's just that, uhm, let's just say, backpackers carry backpacks, yeah?"

It feels like someone just poured a pail of cold water over your head, with big blocks of ice. Why didn't you even think of that?

And she continues, "And two, no backpacker joins a tour like this!"

The bus stops at your next destination. This time, Fiona and Apple lead you to a restaurant where your next free meal will be served.

The travel agency advertised that this dinner will be a six-course meal.

All the tour group's members are seated in their assigned tables.

Everyone is disappointed.

Lying on the rotating table top are seven plates - one with rice and six others with all-vegetarian dishes.

So yesterday was a bad dream, with all the unnecessary trips to unnecessary shops which included one that tried to sell you kilograms of tea, after what was advertised as an authentic Chinese experience - a tea tasting ceremony. On top of that, your tiny windowless hotel room which almost resembles a prison cell has a one square meter shower-over-toilet bathroom. Yes, yeterday was a bad dream.

And today is becoming a nightmare.

You stand up, with your appetite all lost; you pick up your bag, walk up to your tour guides Fiona and Apple, and ask, "Can I NOT join the rest of the tour?"

You are so out of here. •